The Secret Parade
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Saturday, November 07, 2015You know those conversations when people start talking about a particular country and then you chime in with "yeah I've been there!" and then start talking about your experiences? For example... China Me: Yeah I've been there! I ate a starfish along the streets. My stomach also hurt very often but I'm not sure why... USA Me: Yeah I've been there! BURGERS AND FRIES FOR A DOLLAR. Oh I also expanded into a 75kg ball but I'm not sure why... Mexico Me: Yeah I've been there! One night I tried giving the cab driver a shoulder massage so that he'd give us a dollar discount because we had spent too much money on tequila and tacos... But every time people mentioned Japan, I didn't have much to say because I've never been there. The most 'Japanese' experience I've had was, you know, eating a Donburi with chopsticks.  Eventually I realized that the only nuggets of trivia about Japan that I was using to spice up conversations may not even be true ("Oh I heard that there are vending machines selling used underwear!"). Aside from possibly spreading falsehoods about Japan faster than you can say 'Dragon Ball Z,' I was also (understandably) grossing people out and ruining my angelic image. Hence, I decided to go and check it out for myself. Also because Scoot was offering $400 round-trip tickets and since I'm  Also, it was the perfect time because I had a  Ena and I at Harajuku with piping hot Calbee potato sticks and Salt & Butter chips (YES that exists). Here's what I learnt from my time in Tokyo. #1: I AM MANY THINGS, BUT 'KAWAII' ISN'T ONE OF THEM Japan is the land of kawaii (cute). Everything is cute.  So of course when Ena took me to a sticker printing photobooth, I went all 'method' and fully committed to the craft. Of course, judging from my history with sticker photobooths, I should've known that the only things that would stick from the experience are shame and humiliation.  Aged 5 and with bad bangs that would plague me for life. You think I'm kidding about being haunted by bad bangs.  I am not. So this is what transpired. 
Yes I judge myself too HAHAHA.
Now let's dissect everything that is wrong with the below.
 Left: I know long legs are a standard of beauty but no one's getting fooled when penne suddenly shrinks to angel hair pasta, dude. Right: My mistake because the machine kept telling us we were running out of time to decorate so I panicked and did random things, but I look like I just shat a panda HAHAHA. Ena and I were at the Tsukiji fish market in line for what Ronald promised to be "LIFE CHANGING SUSHI." The caps lock was the only reason I was willing to endure a 45-minute wait. For someone who starts eating the fries first when she doesn't have the patience to wait till the burger comes, this is significant. Like my waistline. But when you're at a tourist attraction, you end up encountering some amusing people. Like this guy.  Prior to his photobomb, he was chatting up a Singaporean lady who was next to him in line and telling her about all his awesome travel experiences ("Yeah I've climbed Kilimanjaro which is awesome," and she agreed that it was "cool" without regaling him with a similar mountain-climbing experience. Because the closest thing we have to a mountain is Bukit Timah Hill, which a hamster can ascend in ten minutes while chewing on sunflower seeds because BT Hill is basically a speed bump x10. I know it's rude to eavesdrop but they were right behind us! I couldn't plug my fingers into my ears and start singing the national anthem to block out the conversation. Also it doesn't help that I'm a bloody stalker.  But back to the guy, who eventually went in for the kill. Him: Do you have Facebook? Her: I deactivated it (HAH. I call BS.) Him: What do you use in Singapore? Whatsapp? Text? Telegram? I have Telegram you should try Telegram it's pretty cool At this point Ena and I were giving each other looks and I was trying to restrain my "HAHAHA" laugh because I think it'd just make all the fish come alive again and wish they could die again. To distract ourselves from eavesdropping even further, we whipped out our phones for a #selfie. And this is when he photobombed us. Me: Thanks man, very beautiful. We'll send it to you. Him: *continuing the joke* Yeah send it to me on Facebook And before I could stop myself... Me: HAH. I'll send it to you on TELEGRAM. At this point the black woman in my head immediately snaps her fingers with an "OH NO YOU DID'NT!" Ena bursts into the laugh that we hear only when she's drunk ('HARHARHARHARHAR"). The Singaporean girl's face becomes pink like the salmon she's in line for. And that poor guy probably sent a Telegram to his friends to let them know that Singapore is a horrible place with horrible people. #3: LIFE SHOULD BE A GIANT ONSEN Onsens are Japanese hot springs with a variety of hot water baths both indoors and outdoors. They also have massage rooms, napping rooms, and a cafeteria, because Japan.    Ena: Dude I am Japanese. #brightmoment  #likeaboss in my yukata. I love yukatas. I truly do. I'd wear them out all the time but it's so long that I think people may accidentally step on it and disrobe me. And then I'd get arrested and be eating donburis in prison. Is there nakedness? Yes. Is it awkward? Only if you stare, you pervert. Did I get self-conscious? Well, I had eaten a seven-course omakase right before and a takoyaki the size of my fist. I was basically a giant walking takoyaki myself.  Yes. BIG. thanks. But when you're surrounded by boisterous women with tight perms strutting around without and waving their towels in the air, suddenly you realize that the answer to true freedom lies in the bubbles of a hot water bath. I know that doesn't make sense, but I have less dead skin cells than you now, so HAH! |